Okay, thats misleading.
I've always had sisters. Okay, one step and three half sisters. My dad split from my mum, life goes on, yadda yadda. I don't hear from him from being a year old to being 18, then bam, all of a sudden we're in touch courtesy of one of the above mentioned girls.
As much as I loved them all, with the old man, it was... weird. I was his first born, his only son, someone who apparently had thought about me every day of his life.
But why did he never call or visit? I could understand if there were court injunctions, but... there weren't.
And why was I getting the same treatment now?
The girls loved me, and I adored them. But... he never called or visited... it was the same thing all over again, but this time I was old enough to know what was going on, and to feel how much it hurt to be rejected by my own father.
I stopped calling and visiting, hoping he'd pick up the slack and make a move. Nothing. Soon, years had passed. I'd grown up. Moved on. Moved out into my own place.
Then one day, bam. He turned up unannounced. I played along, went out with my new partner, and saw my sisters again.
They'd grown up. Kids of their own. Hell, the youngest was hardly walking last time I saw her, and here she was, almost a woman.
Part of me blamed myself for this. Why didn't I keep up contact? Why didn't I do more? But the rest of me asked why he hadn't done the same.
After this, the same thing. Swapped numbers, told me he'd always be in touch. That was the last time I saw or heard anything, until the birth of my first child.
Another unannounced visit. But things had changed to such an extent now that I was a parent, I took action. In short, I told him never to contact me again, as I didn't want my child around the kind of person who could give his first-born up not just once, not twice, but many times over. My son deserved more. He deserved better.
My son is 4 next month. My father is dying. I still don't want to see him. I wish the guy no ills, and certainly feel sorry him and his condition. But I can't forgive him. Some people say I should make amends. Those who have been in my position say otherwise.
But recently, I've been thinking.
Would my sisters feel this way about me? After all, I came into their lives, then seemingly just left. No excuse or reason. Then when I came back, I just as quickly left.
Of course, the truth is that the guy who helped create me just didn't seem to give a shit, and I bailed. But in doing so, the girls suffered the same end result I did.
I told one the other week that I thought about them every day, but found myself thinking "but thats what he said too...".
Do my sisters feel the same kind of rejection I did? Am I just making excuses? I genuinely thought that by cutting him out of my life that they would hate me for it.
As it turns out, they don't.
Part of me thinks they should. After all, I left them without a reason, or even a half-arsed excuse. But no matter how often I tell myself that I didn't leave them, in a way, I did.
And I've lost out on so much. A niece that, as I found out reading a news story on the internet, died as a baby. More nephews and nieces all over the place. And the youngest even has one of her own! Last time I saw her she was 9. Before that, 2.
I've missed so much. And its partly my fault...
What do I tell them?
I wanted to call, but didn't know what your reaction would be? I wanted to visit but was scared of the door being shut in my face?
Both would be true.
Both were also said to me by my father.
I guess I could justify it by saying that father>son bonds are stronger, but I still - if only as a result of my actions towards him - turned my back on them.
I've become the one person I never wanted to be, and you know something? I can't look in the mirror without being disgusted at myself.
But there is one thing I'm gonna do different. Now we're in touch, we're staying in touch. The only way we won't is by their decision. I love my sisters. Being an only child on my mothers side, I envied others with siblings. Now, I join their ranks, and I will never let my own feelings for my father and what he did to me (or didn't) get in the way.
Maybe I'll like my own reflection soon.
Who knows?
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